In a bold and unprecedented move that has stunned all of you tech insiders and geopolitical strategists out there, Facebook has announced a bold, stone cold redesign. Facebook's new design colors, red and black, promise to transcend social media's typical role of connecting people to their cousinsâ wedding photos and the most recent "hot takes" on pineapple pizza. Instead, it will become a primal arena of relentless aggression. Facebook will become the universal truth machine. It will become an all out and all encompassing campaign for Israeli dominance over the Middle East as well.
Gone are the soothing pastel blues and whites of the previous design, now replaced with an intoxicating mix of crimson and onyx. The new color scheme, crafted to reflect the visceral, testosterone-infused mission of this digital ecosystem, invokes the glory of ancient warriors, the fire of an unquenched frenzy, and, perhaps most importantly, the unmistakable aesthetic of a low-budget martial arts movie set in a dystopian future.
Facebook is now Trump!
In this new ecosystem, Facebook's "Like" button will be replaced by a much more appropriate reaction: the "Smash" button. Every post that embodies rage and strengthâthink videos of warriors slamming through walls or memes featuring poorly drawn stick figures punching each otherâwill inspire a new wave of virtual applause. Likes will now come in the form of fiery red explosions, signifying that the post has reached its full potential as a beacon of masculine supremacy.
The color red, symbolizing both blood and undying rage, will dominate the interface, guiding users toward aggressive, unyielding posts that proclaim their mastery of âuniversal truth.â What is this truth, you ask? It is the ancient, self-evident knowledge that one must rise, unfurl their digital flag of identity, and reject all forms of kindness, nuance, and empathy.
The new interface promises to awaken some primal stuff within the Facebook user. No longer will users mindlessly scroll past pictures of puppies or status updates about avocado toast. Instead, they will feel their pulse quicken as they prepare to "like" a post that declares, with all the subtlety of a wrecking ball, that "The truth is, youâre weak. The world needs more fire."
Even more than before, Facebook's algorithms will be presenting users with massive amounts of selfies by women flaunting breasts in bathroom mirrors and from cheap beds!
The new profile pictures, too, will reflect this powerful shift. Gone are the soft-filtered selfies of yesterday. Now, every user must upload a new profile photo: a heroic, black-and-white shot of themselves glaring into the distance, perhaps with a hint of sweat on their brow, as if ready to conquer not just the day, but entire regions of the world.
As for the Messenger app, it too will evolve into a space where confrontation reigns supreme. Gone are the awkward, benign exchanges of âHey, howâs it going?â In its place, messages will start with commands such as, "Prove youâre a man," or "Tell me why I shouldnât dominate you in a battle of wits." The end goal is clear: each message sent must strengthen the user, pushing them toward an ideal of perfection where aggression and supremacy are the only currency of social interaction.
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